A lot of people all over the world
prefer arranged marriage to love marriage because it is believed to last
longer. Arranged marriage is where a third party, through matchmaking, brings
two adults together who get to know each other, and this could lead to
marriage.
LEADERSHIP Weekend gathered that
most marriages that started from matchmaking most times have a longer lifespan.
This could be because the relationship is devoid of some constraints as both
parties get to know their compatibility, lifestyle, taste, values, etc. It
could also be because it has less courtship period as against love marriage.
“My belief is that when two parties
have known each other for long before marriage, their post-marriage romance
loses its spark. More so, two people who gradually fall in love after getting
married tend to get the joy of having sown and reaped the relationship; so it
lasts longer. I have seen more love marriages that end up in divorces than
arranged ones. I think this could be the reason,” Jean Maria, a relationship
counsellor, stated.
LEADERSHIP Weekend, however,
gathered that such marriages can survive the test of time, depending on the
kind of arranged marriage as some of them come with conditions and constraints.
According to Rev. Fr. Ken Maria
Onuegbu, a canon lawyer and regional director, Redemptorist Community, Abuja,
“there are two kinds of arranged marriage. While one could be arranged by
parents of both parties under constraints and condition that either stands to
lose the inheritance if he disobeys, the other could be arranged in a lighter
note where both parties agree. Based on this, the latter lasts longer. So, a
love-based arranged marriage tends to last longer.”
While Fr. Onuegbu prefers the term,
matchmaking or introduced marriage to arranged marriage, he believes that this
kind of marriage lasts longer “because it is carefully selected as the third
party becomes the central force who must have known both parties. Secondly, its
courtship is usually short and it easily leads to proposal as both parties see
each other as new. Thirdly, it lasts longer because they wouldn’t want to
disappoint the person who introduced them to each other.”
People can get to meet through a
friend, relative, pastor, priest, neighbour or colleagues. They tend to know a
little about the other party through the third party. This must not lead to
marriage as the end result is dependent upon their mutual agreement and
acceptance to go into the union.
But there is no school for marriage
as marriage depends solely on the parties involved. Either love marriage or
arranged marriage has got no method for it to last as it is arguably dependent
on the adults involved.
Mr. and Mrs. Bashorun (not real
names) have been married for over 37 years and are well-read. In their opinion,
“none of them is fool-proof. It depends on the parties involved. In all
relationships, there must be an entry point.”
LEADERSHIP Weekend further gathered
that there are some characteristics that could make the marriage work and last
longer.
According to the couple, “the entry
point may be critical in terms of striking the compatibility note because the
third party, from what he knows about this person, feels that the other could
be compatible with this person. The entry point helps to fasten the error of
mutual understanding. The third party here becomes the mediator who will in
turn be appreciated after marriage with gifts. Therefore, intimate
compatibility is the main reason for it to last longer.”
How then can these parties know that
they are compatible without the third party? “The taste of the food is in the
pudding. The two adults involved must get to know each other to know the things
they can stand and accept from each other. For instance, some people divorce
because they cannot stand the other person’s horrible snore,” the couple said.
Unlike arranged marriage, love-based
marriage has the tendency to be short because both parties, in most cases, are
infatuated rather than in love. They are already staying together as man and
wife and there is no longer anything new about them. They are cohabiting and
are unconsciously living in a family way; the only difference is that they are
not wedded. Such tends to delay the proposal and loss of respect as the man
feels like trying other girls, as variety is the spice of life.
A retired female public servant, 84,
told LEADERSHIP Weekend that “this younger generation feels they are aware of
what love means. Most times, they are infatuated especially the so-called ‘love
at first sight’ which could be devoid of mutual knowledge and understanding. In
a love-based marriage, one has to distinguish between the physical appearances.
In most cases, respect supersedes love in marriage,” the lady said.
Mrs Patricia Okhueleigbe, a medical
nurse who is a testimony of an arranged marriage and just celebrated her 25th
wedding anniversary last year. The marriage is blessed with five children. She
feels maybe “the intervention of the third party during courtship could help
both parties to know each other better. Also, because they both already know
where they are going from there, they make up their minds easily.”
“It all depends on luck, I must say.
Remember that not all end in marriage. I prayed about mine and it happened. As
luck will have it, I am a living testimony of this because I met my husband
through a supposed guardian while in school. Last year, we celebrated our 25
years in marriage and renewed our marriage vows,” Mrs Patricia said.
She also said that there must be
God’s intervention for such marriages to thrive because it could be risky for
one to go into a relationship with somebody known through another person. “It
depends on the individuals’ maturity. You know men like variety. If you live
with a man for years who has had carnal knowledge of you, he may end up leaving
you for another person. I have seen two people who are happily married after
courting for 12 years. You could also say there must be love in any
relationship,” she added.
Lady Uche (LSJ), a professional
marriage counsellor, said many fulfilled, lasting marriages have elements of
arrangement in them as “no man is an island; so every responsible person is
expected to interact with people – parents, friends, colleagues, etc, on the
issue of marriage.”
According to her, “when we talk
about arranged marriage, one sees a very good preparation, taking into
consideration many factors that affect family life before the couples are
brought together. Experience is the best teacher. Most parents feel that they
have good experience to arrange partners for their children.”
The professional marriage counsellor
is of the opinion that to a reasonable extent, arranged marriage lasts longer
but not when it is based on greed, selfishness and deceit. Moreover, any
arrangement that does not try to let the couple understand what marriage is all
about will not last; and any arranged marriage without love, built, nurtured
and sustained will equally not thrive.
As this type of marriage is
predominantly practiced and lasts longer than the other always with the help of
a third party, what then becomes of these third parties if the union leads to
marriage? Do they expect to take full control of the couples or wade in fully
into their marriage to dictate for them? Will the couples be answerable to them
or cut them off after the marriage just like the saying goes- two is a company
and three is a crowd.
Further investigation by LEADERSHIP
Weekend revealed that matchmakers are usually rewarded through gifts and
recognition after the wedding. The couples tend to appreciate them for, without
them, there could not have been a meeting point in the first place for these
couples.
The Baloguns said that “the third
party here becomes the mediator and will in turn be recognised after marriage
through gifts.”
While some people believe it is good
to keep the third party at arm’s length after marriage, others believe it is
not wise as they may misunderstand it. This is so because some of these
mediators tend to feel they are to be acknowledged and their needs met at all
times.
Jean Maria said, “I have seen a case
where the mediator told the lady she introduced to her relation abroad that she
should agree that she (the mediator) would come for the omugwo in place
of the girl’s mother, and was always making so many demands which she said she
could not get from the man before. This is absurd. But in most cases, the men
would cut off the third party entirely after appreciating him/her in order to
let their marriage be free from intruders.”
Meanwhile, being a matchmaker can be
risky. If there are negative effects in that marriage, the couple would shift
the blame to the matchmakers. Some believe it takes a careful examination and
study of two people to know who to introduce to them while some find it
difficult to do so.
Mrs Patricia is scared to recommend
people as she is a shy person and would not want to be held responsible for any
defect in the union.
She said: “In cases of
childlessness, or any attitude or character which you didn’t notice in the one
you referred, they will blame you for that. I am a shy person and don’t think I
can stand it. What if the partner dies early, I will continue to share in their
pains. Most times, people will always come to knock on your door such that you
regret ever being the mediator.”
But Lady Uche said that most parents
take time to critically choose partners for their children because “what the
elder sees sitting, a child cannot see it even when on the highest mountain.”
This proverb goes well for any well
arranged marriage guided in love.
Marriage is a lovely institution in
whichever way it starts, whether by parents, match makers or the couple seeing
and liking each other. The couples should learn to pray to God for a strong
foundation. Whichever way it comes, there must be challenges. How
prepared are you to face these challenges?
“Arranged Marriage Sometimes Becomes
Sour”
On the other hand, Hajiya Aisha
Darma has been married for over 50 years through an arranged marriage by her
parents which according to her, she has had to endure all these decades and
gave birth to a number of children.
“I have to say that I never loved
him for all the years we were married. It appeared to me that the day he died,
something thorny in my flesh left me. I felt relieved,” she narrated.
The 67-year old widow has described
love in marriage as a stronghold that requires both to agree to be soul mates,
if at all it has to be a moment of joy.
However, according to a member of a
wealthy family in Kano, Malam Sidi Abba, he told LEADERSHIP Weekend that “there
isn’t any difference on how a husband is chosen for a young lady between a
wealthy and poor family. The only difference is how the ceremony is conducted.”
“What should be noted is that
children of wealthy families are controlled by the power of material
possession, so the tendency is that they accept more quickly the choice of
their parents, unlike the children of poor families who have no means of
control. Nonetheless, there isn’t a case in history that daughters of the poor
have been defiant due to the life style that wasn’t socially defrauded,”
he said.
Asking him why arranged marriages
last longer, Malam Sidi said that there wasn’t in the past a kind of
indoctrination on the life styles of original Hausa/Fulani man and women that
could give them a sense of fashion, appeal and choices.
He maintained that arranged marriage
has not been a success story in the past half a century, which now paves the
way for conventional marriage among Hausa community.
Leadership
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